I am the king of my own kingdom

Hmmm, Now what makes this day any special that i write an entry after over 150 days.. hard to say but jus like the world war was initiated by assassination of the some austrian duke. Its like the tipping point. I came across a piece of information that I could share with the world but they wouldn't care less and, for no apparant reason i care too much for the same.
I have been at sea for roughly 3 weeks now, give or take a few days.
The days pass rather quickly, its like taking a long walk home, my work, when i have watch and i am to take engine room rounds. The thing being I see a whole life, beyond what exists in front of me. A caricature of a real yet non-existing life form. To explain it more I need to tell u how. Other day I was entering a Cargo compartment and Its big and dark and the only sounds are vibrations , metal against metal and metal againt water.. Endless water.
Eventually when i came out and I crowned form the hatch ,it seemed like the ship was breathing. Like a sleeping giant.
yesterday when i went to the aft of the ship, waiting for some one to get some key to the door, I could see the wake of the propeller and I thought , that everyone was out and the engine was controlled by the electronic force with no basic competency of its own but logic, a series of varied logic put together powered by air and electricity.
Now saying alll this makes a li'l sense when i say that i feel sad today. Another day with this giant person of a machine.
i have said good byes b4 and i was completely happy for everything but the aforementioned piece of info made me sad.
It shouldn't. It has been long been gone , almost forgotten but it comes back to haunt me in my happiest moments.
I dont feel regrets but feel disappointed for the regrets there should be, not for me , in anycase however.
I feel the sharp pain of the broken pieces of emotions that r left behind by things, (for sure they r not people anymore).
These r like snapping bones, choking breathes, drowning lungs and grey-blue left over bodies of the promises made.
I am no saint but and i do not wish to be one. Not in this case anyways. Not in any case anyways. Seems to be a second thought but its jus an confirmation of the affirmation i felt in my mind of the idea of not being a saint.
I look at the sea, so calm that i can see the meaning it could potray without the actual pronounciation of CALM.
but i feel calmly sad. May be I could shout and cry and be over with it , but its a pain not of choice but, of criss cross net of unlucky choices that r made unknowingly.Where the consequences are not simple and straight forward like an algebra problem but more like a differential problem wih unknown variables.

I can make a fool of myself but who is to say that i make a fool of myself until i feel so. I feel tempted to be a fool.
A fool's paradise is still a paradise mind u. May be intelligent people should get down from their horses and see the other side of our foolish reality. Now I feel a li'l better. May be this is my calling, I could write and write and jus be another reality writer( though, i don know of anyone else other than the news reporters :P )

I wish that you wither away in the winds of change like I almost did. and long for those broken pieces and that u left inside of me. I pray that for eternity u cross paths with me and feel sorry for ur mere existence.
I hope that none of ur wishes ever come true.. I grant u pain and lonliness becuase
"I am the lizard king and i can do anything"