I am the king of my own kingdom

Hmmm, Now what makes this day any special that i write an entry after over 150 days.. hard to say but jus like the world war was initiated by assassination of the some austrian duke. Its like the tipping point. I came across a piece of information that I could share with the world but they wouldn't care less and, for no apparant reason i care too much for the same.
I have been at sea for roughly 3 weeks now, give or take a few days.
The days pass rather quickly, its like taking a long walk home, my work, when i have watch and i am to take engine room rounds. The thing being I see a whole life, beyond what exists in front of me. A caricature of a real yet non-existing life form. To explain it more I need to tell u how. Other day I was entering a Cargo compartment and Its big and dark and the only sounds are vibrations , metal against metal and metal againt water.. Endless water.
Eventually when i came out and I crowned form the hatch ,it seemed like the ship was breathing. Like a sleeping giant.
yesterday when i went to the aft of the ship, waiting for some one to get some key to the door, I could see the wake of the propeller and I thought , that everyone was out and the engine was controlled by the electronic force with no basic competency of its own but logic, a series of varied logic put together powered by air and electricity.
Now saying alll this makes a li'l sense when i say that i feel sad today. Another day with this giant person of a machine.
i have said good byes b4 and i was completely happy for everything but the aforementioned piece of info made me sad.
It shouldn't. It has been long been gone , almost forgotten but it comes back to haunt me in my happiest moments.
I dont feel regrets but feel disappointed for the regrets there should be, not for me , in anycase however.
I feel the sharp pain of the broken pieces of emotions that r left behind by things, (for sure they r not people anymore).
These r like snapping bones, choking breathes, drowning lungs and grey-blue left over bodies of the promises made.
I am no saint but and i do not wish to be one. Not in this case anyways. Not in any case anyways. Seems to be a second thought but its jus an confirmation of the affirmation i felt in my mind of the idea of not being a saint.
I look at the sea, so calm that i can see the meaning it could potray without the actual pronounciation of CALM.
but i feel calmly sad. May be I could shout and cry and be over with it , but its a pain not of choice but, of criss cross net of unlucky choices that r made unknowingly.Where the consequences are not simple and straight forward like an algebra problem but more like a differential problem wih unknown variables.

I can make a fool of myself but who is to say that i make a fool of myself until i feel so. I feel tempted to be a fool.
A fool's paradise is still a paradise mind u. May be intelligent people should get down from their horses and see the other side of our foolish reality. Now I feel a li'l better. May be this is my calling, I could write and write and jus be another reality writer( though, i don know of anyone else other than the news reporters :P )

I wish that you wither away in the winds of change like I almost did. and long for those broken pieces and that u left inside of me. I pray that for eternity u cross paths with me and feel sorry for ur mere existence.
I hope that none of ur wishes ever come true.. I grant u pain and lonliness becuase
"I am the lizard king and i can do anything"

BREAKING THE STRIDE

I think of home all the time. Not really missing it but its like looking at a tree which was in ur backyard all ur childhood and its not there in ur new house.. u miss it...
I think of things i lost in time. Listenig to old songs.. Faces passing in front of my closed eyes. In my long days at work amongst the countless stairs i climb everyday, among my new found losses and victories i miss those old events of my past.. Wondering what i cud have done different, or if i wud do any different??
Amongst my busy days i still get the sunrises and sunsets.. sunrises are genreally hurried.. me rushing to get a coffee.. sunsets are more troubled.. after a long tiring day u need a smile to smile upon, a hand to hold, an unspoken word of love..
I think of the promises i shud have made and the unspoken ones i made but never talked about. The times i failed myself more than i failed u. Scary are the thoughts of times when i know i will fail u.. THis is who i am. Will u let me go after u know i will be there.. deah of a flower doesn kill the garden, fall of a raindrop doesn cause a flood.
I have been scared, i admit of the failures that i have i opened my eyes when i was kissing hoping ur werent open.. It drives me insane. What would i do, what cud i do..
The times are different but the moon takes good fortnight from no moon to full moon..
So either i burn myself like the sun or shine like the moon and light up ur dark eveings some nights more than others..
Please dont treat this as some loveballad.. love is not constraint to two people..
Its the old tree i miss, the shade or likes of it..